“When Bill and I first fell in love and got married, I was sure we would live happily-ever-after because we both loved God. But after these past five years, all we do is fight and hurt one another. What happened?” Betsy confided in me one afternoon.
Our Love Begins in Unawareness
When we first fall in love and decide to get married, we have the strongest motive, hope, and belief that we will be happy. However, each spouse’s definition and understanding of love and how we live out our life as Christ’s disciples can be very different. These differences are what creates the struggles, pain, and sometimes abuse in our “Christian” marriage.
Every person creates their imperfect design of love, including our definition, understanding, and standards, because we’re not born knowing Christ’s love design. We create our broken love design from our experiences, messages, fantasies, beliefs, role models, and the world’s self-gratifying portrayal of love. We’re unaware that Jesus has a perfect love design, so we continue to operate in the only imperfect love we know.
Most people, including Christ’s disciples, see love as a lesson we “learn as we go.” In many regards, this is true. However, without learning and using Christ’s love design as our true compass and perfect, unchanging standards, we can only operate from our imperfect one.
Even when you love God with your whole heart and you desire and try to follow him, you will operate from your broken love design until you learn and implement his. You can only do what you know. If you want to change the way you love into Christ’s love, commit to learning and living in it every day.
Secret Starts with You
We are one-half of our marriage. If we only commit halfway to our marriage, how can we expect a deep, rich, healthy, happy marriage? Likewise, if we are using an imperfect love design with unhealthy aspects, how can we expect our marriage to be healthy?
The only person you can change is yourself with the help of Christ. Our marriage is like a series of dance steps. When one partner changes a step, the other one will notice even if they don’t say anything at first. When you choose to love your spouse in Christ’s design, the new step is done in his love. Your spouse will choose to react or to respond.
Here’s the big secret you have been waiting to find, and it comes from two verses Jesus tells us.
- “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.” (John 15:12)
- “Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.” (Matt. 25:40)
When both spouses are Christ’s disciples, each one is a temple of Christ, even if they are not acting like it. Although you struggle, fight, and hurt one another, you both keep committing to doing better. These characteristics are what can help your marriage be transformed through Christ’s love design as you work with him.
When both of you are committed to learning, surrendering, and doing whatever you need to do individually with Jesus to make your marriage operate in his love design, your marriage will be healthy and happy. Instead of each partner using their individual broken love design, you will both use Christ’s, which always keeps him in the middle and guiding you in his ways. “A chord of three stands is not easily broken.” (Ecc. 4:12)
The Secret
When you choose to see Christ in your spouse as if a transparent picture was over their face at all times, you will be mindful and intentional about your attitudes, words, and actions. You will love your spouse “as Jesus Christ loves you.” Your spouse will be the second most precious gift you have after Salvation, and your marriage will take on a Holy meaning.
Unfortunately, not every spouse claiming to be a “Christian” is healthy and loves like Christ. Some spouses don’t’ realize they have learned to be abusive in their broken love design, but they know they are not acting like Christ. Some spouses proclaiming to be “Christians” learned unhealthy and abusive behaviors in their broken love design.
They choose to use abuse to control their spouse, which they equate to love. They have chosen to place their desires and control over their spouse without respect, honor, or regard for them or Christ living in them. When you are married to a spouse who chooses to operate from a self-focused, narcissistic, and abusive mindset, you must face this truth and seek professional help.
You have no power to change them. It’s not your job to fix, heal, redeem, save, be abused to “submit or suffer for Jesus” because these are lies. The Bible verses in this blog verify that abuse has no place in Christ’s love design or in God’s will for marriage. Divorce is an acceptable way to end the abuse, but you must do all things safely and with respect.
Do not do anything that puts you or your children in danger. If you suspect you are being abused in your “Christian” marriage, seek professional help to create a safety plan first. I don’t recommend that you see a marriage counselor because abuse is a chosen behavior done by the abuser. The abuser will use any information in the session to create more abuse. You can work with Christ and transform your love design, but you must have professional help and safety. If you need immediate help, call your local women’s shelter or the Abuse Hotline 800-799-7233.
You already know that your abuser will use any change you make in your marriage, even if it is good, to manipulate and control you. Take precautions and stay safe. Find information about abuse and what God says at https://godstransforminggrace.com/abuse-and-domestic-violence-information/.
Christ’s Love Design is the Healthiest Design for Marriage
I wish every marriage could be centered in Christ’s love design and thrive in his perfect love, respect, honor, freedom, and healthy boundaries. However, in our imperfect human condition, in this broken world with the enemy’s influences and our unawareness, no one is immune from being deceived into an abusive relationship or marriage even when both people claim to be “Christians.”
I believe that when both spouses surrender their wills and follow Christ’s love design, they can transform unhealthy or occasional abusive words as they work with Jesus. Christ’s disciples are commanded to “love one another as he has loved us.” If you are not going to love like Jesus, then do not claim to be his disciple. You cannot be a narcissistic abuser and serve Christ at the same time. “No man can serve two masters.” (Matt. 6:24)
When you see your spouse as a temple of Christ, and they see you the same way, you’ll love each other like Christ. As you both practice this awareness, you will experience a new level of love, respect, freedom, and healthy boundaries. Your personal relationship with Jesus will also become deeper. There is no downside to living in Christ’s love design. If you want a marriage thriving in Christ’s love, learn to live in his love design now! Order your copy of Quest for Exceptional Love, transform your love and relationships through Christ’s love design.
To grow in your understanding and relationship with Jesus, join my private Facebook group Growing Through God’s Transforming Grace, https://www.facebook.com/groups/growingthroughgod.
