“I’ve read so many books on communication and how to draw loving boundaries, but anything I have tried has made my spouse mad and my marriage worse. I’m trying so hard to be a good Christian wife, but I don’t know what to do.” I remember making this statement many years ago. My heart also breaks as I have heard this statement from hundreds of Christian women I have talked with over the years.
Facts in Every Marriage
because of Adam and Eve’s sin, none of us are born knowing God’s perfect love. As a result, we each form are imperfect definition and understanding of love from her messages, experiences, beliefs, and role models. If we grew up in a healthy home centered in Christ, we could have a fairly healthy foundation of love to work from in our life. However, if we grew up in an unhealthy home, many of the ways of communication and behavior we have learned to accept as “normal love” can be unhealthy or abusive.
It doesn’t matter if you grew up in a healthy, unhealthy, or abusive home; no one is born knowing Christ’s love design. Receiving salvation doesn’t download us with the knowledge of how to love like Jesus. Because we lack this knowledge, each spouse comes to the marriage with their imperfect or broken definition and understanding of love, but neither spouse realizes this fact.
We come into our marriage thinking that our spouse has the same or similar definition and understanding of love that we do. We also assume that our spouse’s definition and understanding of what it means to follow Christ are also similar. It doesn’t take long for a couple to get into a tug-of-wills between which broken love design’s definitions and beliefs they will follow with these two mindsets. This tug-of-wills is also followed by confusion when unhealthy communication and behaviors come from our spouse, who proclaims to be a Christian.
No one gets married hoping they will have a bad marriage, be mistreated, confused, and frustrated. Many Christian spouses have assumed that their marriage will be happy, healthy, and wonderful if they marry a Christian. Unfortunately, many disciples of Christ are also unaware of the signs of a healthy, unhealthy, or abusive relationship. If you don’t know these facts and you’re wondering about the health of your marriage, let’s look at three reasons that should give you cause to seek help from a professional Christian counselor experienced in abuse for yourself.
Three Ways Boundaries Reveal Unhealthiness
I was in my mid-30s before I learned what a boundary was and that I had the right and responsibility to create them and maintain them in my life. Think of a boundary like a fence of protection. Inside the fence is God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, your mind, heart, spirit, and body. Only you can open a gate and allow people access to your inner self.
As Christ’s disciple, Jesus lives in you. Therefore, you have the right and responsibility to take care of yourself because you are his temple. If you grew up in an unhealthy family, like me, you might have been told:
- You don’t have the right to say no. There is no way for you to be a disciple of Christ without saying no to things that are disrespectful, dishonoring, or that would break his heart. In Matthew 5:37, Jesus tells us. “Let our yes be yes and are no, no.”
- You must allow people to disrespect you because you must turn the other cheek. This verse is one of the most misquoted and misused Scripture people use to justify their unhealthy words or actions. When we look at the life of Jesus, he never allows anyone to disrespect or physically harm him until the cross. Jesus draws boundaries to protect himself. The context of this verse never condones any type of abuse.
- You can’t give people consequences because you must be forgiving to be a good Christian. Jesus and his disciples are very clear that saying or doing anything that would disrespect or dishonor God is sin. Scripture is also clear that we will be held accountable for what we say and do. If we have consequences with God, it is biblical for others to have consequences when they sin against us.
Handling Any Lies
All of these lies can increase your confusion about faith, love, and marriage. If you see these lies being used in your marriage, by you or your spouse, to excuse unhealthy or abusive words or behaviors, contact a Christian counselor experienced with abuse by yourself. Don’t do anything until you have professional help and support to help you.
The life of Jesus shows us God’s design of pure love has healthy boundaries with the freedom to say no and with consequences to follow if the boundary is crossed. If you are unsure about boundaries, I recommend these books. Being a disciple of Christ means that you will continue to learn and grow, so find answers in God’s word and through experts in the areas you need to improve.
- Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
- When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People, by Gary Thomas.
Picture of a Christ-Centered Healthy Marriage
Many Christians have the fantasy of the fairtale of falling in love and living happily-ever-after! However, because we start our marriage with two broken love designs, we must work with Jesus to learn God’s truth about love and marriage. I encourage you to look up scriptures about love and marriage in a study Bible and read all the commentary. You need to understand the actual context of God’s design for love and marriage and how it is all seen in the life of Christ.
God designed marriage as a partnership. Within any partnership, each party treats the other party equally. In God’s design of love and marriage, the following verses need to be carried out by both spouses. In a healthy marriage, this is the case. However, these verses also reveal when a marriage is unhealthy or abusive.
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (1 Cor. 13:4-8, NLT)
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. (Eph. 4:2, NIV)
The only pure, unchanging standard for how each spouse is commanded to treat one another is said by Jesus.
This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. (John 15:12, NLT)
Stop Living in Lies
If you have read this blog and find yourself questioning the health of your Christian marriage, you are not alone. I encourage you to read more about the types and signs of abuse on my resource tab at https://godstransforminggrace.com/. If you believe you are in an unhealthy or abusive marriage after reading these resources, contact a professional Christian counselor experienced in abuse for help and guidance. Don’t do anything with the help of professionals.
It is NEVER God’s will for you to be abused. I know firsthand how complex and difficult this reality is to face and walk through. However, I also know the freedom and healthy life you can have when you learn to love like Jesus and set a boundary for others to love you like Jesus too!
Find support and grow in your relationship with Jesus. Join my private Facebook group Growing Through God’s Transforming Grace, https://www.facebook.com/groups/growingthroughgod.
