I’ve tried so hard in my friendship with Amy. Whenever she’s needed anything, I’ve been there, which seems to be almost all the time. I’m exhausted. I don’t know what to do as her friend, to take care of myself, and to be a good Christian?” I said to my Bible study teacher one day after class.
“How much does Amy do for you? Does she encourage you when you need encouragement? If you looked at both sides of giving in this friendship, is it 50-50?” My Bible study teacher asked.
Unawareness of Boundaries is Common
My talk with my Bible teacher turned into many conversations about boundaries and how necessary they are in our lives. I was in my mid-thirties, and this was the first time anyone talked to me about boundaries. Up to this point, living a boundaryless life sucked me into many unhealthy and abusive friendships.
If you have grown up without learning about healthy boundaries, like me, there is no way for you to know how vital they are in your life or how to draw and enforce them. Creating healthy boundaries is a right and responsibility many people don’t realize they have. If you struggle with saying no and not feeling guilty, give yourself grace and continue reading.
If you don’t understand what boundaries are, why you need them, and what happens when you don’t have them, you can make mistakes. It’s also essential for you to know that we are instructed to follow Christ’s example as his disciples, which is full of healthy boundaries. In this blog, we are going to address your understanding of boundaries.
3 Most Common Mistakes
First Mistake: You don’t know the definition of a boundary. One of the best books on boundaries I have read, and I continually recommend, is Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. They explain boundaries.
“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end, and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. If I know where my yard begins and ends, I am free to do with it what I like. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. However, if I do not “own” my life, my choices and options become very limited.”
Each disciple is responsible for taking care of themselves. “Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst?” (1 Cor. 3:16, NIV) If we don’t know how to create and live within healthy boundaries, we must learn this skill.
Second Mistake: Using boundaries to control others. Because of my experiences with unhealthy people, I thought boundaries were all about controlling other people. As I studied the life of Jesus and the story of God drawing safe boundaries for Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, I could see His truth. God didn’t create boundaries to manipulate or to control Adam and Eve.
God drew a loving boundary to protect them while giving them the power and freedom to choose.
With their choices came their responsibility and accountability with God. Christ’s disciples must learn that having healthy boundaries is essential to dwelling with God and Jesus. Boundaries define who they are in Christ and how they are to live. As they walk in their Christ-centered boundaries, they can:
- discern unhealthy relationships,
- know how to draw healthy boundaries with consequences,
- know how to communicate healthy boundaries in love,
- know when to create tighter boundaries when people cross the line and not feel guilty,
- know when a relationship must end to remain healthy in Christ.
Third mistake: You don’t enforce your boundary. When my youngest son was three, he was fascinated by the street in front of our house. That summer, I couldn’t let him out of my sight because he was always running towards the street. If I had not set up a physical boundary for him and stuck to it, I know without a doubt he wouldn’t be here.
Christ’s disciples must draw and keep spiritual boundaries to guard their minds, hearts, and spirits. Our responsibility to set boundaries and maintain them never changes whether we are in a nonromantic relationship or an intimate one. We are also responsible for taking care of our bodies because we are the temple of Christ. You can only obey God by protecting yourself in Christ-centered boundaries by drawing and enforcing them.
The biggest reason Christians don’t enforce their boundaries or carry out healthy consequences comes from misunderstanding scripture and the world’s beliefs about Christians. Many Christians believe the lies that “if” they are a “good Christian,” then they can’t say no, and they must put up with anything from the misquoted and misused verse, ‘Turn the other cheek.” (Matt. 5:39, NIV)
The world will always misuse scripture to justify or rationalize their mistreatment or abuse. Our job as Christ’s disciples is to know God’s word and to follow his example. Jesus NEVER allowed anyone to hurt, use, or abuse him. He chose to be the sacrifice for our sins. He didn’t allow himself to be hurt just because people wanted to.
Following Christ’s Example of Healthy Boundaries
A word of caution. If you are in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, you can still draw and live within healthy boundaries. However, do not do anything until you work with a professional counselor experienced in abuse. She will help you safely create healthy boundaries. She will also help you create a safety plan in case you need to leave.
When I think of boundaries, I think of a dying tree in our backyard. We had a tree doctor examine the tree. He told us the tree was dying because it had too many unhealthy and dead branches that were toxic to the healthy branches. A week after he cut off all of the toxic branches, new leaves appeared. The next year, you couldn’t even tell it had ever been sick.
Creating healthy Christ-centered boundaries is the only way to keep out the toxins in our life. God’s plans for us are good, and they include hope for the future. Follow Christ’s example and create your boundaries so you can thrive in the abundance of Christ’s love and healthy relationships!
Find support and grow in your relationship with Jesus. Join my private Facebook group Growing Through God’s Transforming Grace, https://www.facebook.com/groups/growingthroughgod.
