So many times in my early life, moving around made it difficult for me to have lasting friendships. I was also unaware that some of the characteristics in relationships that I had learned from my parents were unhealthy. Without healthy role models or experiencing how healthy relationships function, I allowed anyone who gave me attention close to my heart.
Dangers of Not Knowing What is Healthy
When you don’t know what is healthy, unhealthy, or toxic, you don’t see these characteristics or behaviors before they hurt and wound you. God created us to be in a relationship with him and with others. Experiencing healthy love and communion with others is one of our core DNA needs in life.
Unfortunately, we can only operate from what we know. If we never learn what is healthy, unhealthy, or toxic, there is no way for us to see if we are healthy, unhealthy, or toxic. Without having a perfect, divine standard to measure our hearts, love, words, attitudes, and actions, how will we know if we are healthy according to Christ’s standards?
Our salvation is the first step in our faith. Our faith is the process of believing, learning, trusting, obeying God, and working with Jesus as he transforms us into his likeness throughout her life. Receiving salvation, going to church, and doing our best to follow Jesus doesn’t necessarily mean we are healthy or how to identify healthy relationships.
Three Signs of Healthy Friendship
For years I was frustrated because my “friends” continually hurt and betrayed me. I kept turning the other cheek and forgiving them as other Christians told me to do, but deep inside, I knew there had to be a better way. As I grew my faith and became healthier with the help of Jesus and professional counselors, I experienced what healthy relationships look like.
If you’re struggling and hurtful relationships, I want you to know that you’re not alone. I ask you to give yourself grace and realize that you were only operating in the relationship model you have learned over the years. The good news is that you can learn healthy characteristics, words, and actions with Christ’s love standards. You can learn to draw safe boundaries and evaluate potential friends before giving them access to your heart like Jesus instructs us.
A good tree produces good fruit, and a bad tree produces bad fruit. A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. So every tree that does not produce good fruit is chopped down and thrown into the fire. Yes, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions. (Matt. 7:17-20, NLT)
Let’s look at three quick signs of a healthy friendship.
Goodness First: Goodness is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit you receive at salvation. Healthy friendships are filled with good words, attitudes, and actions in equal measures. A friend filled with goodness will always think the best of you first.
Mutual Respect: Mutual respect is at the very core of Jesus Christ. We can see how Jesus respected people and himself according to the unconditional love of God. As Christ’s disciples, we must follow his example. In healthy Christian friendships, each party respects the other person’s heart, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, circumstances, and time. Respect doesn’t mean you completely agree with everything; it means you allow them the freedom to be themselves.
Loving Truth: In healthy Christian friendships, each person has the freedom to speak their truth in safety and love. Each believer is called to speak the truth, live in the truth, and hold one another accountable to God’s truth. If your Christian friend’s words, actions, or beliefs contradict God’s word are the example of Christ’s life, you must share these truths with them. The apostle Paul tells us. “Speak the truth in love, so that we may grow in every way into him who is the head, Christ.” (Eph. 4:15, NIV)
The Health of Your friendship Will Be Revealed
Jesus tells us. “For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.” (Luke 8:17, NIV)
After reading this blog, think about your closest friendships. Are they healthy according to these three standards and examples of Christ’s life? How healthy are you according to these three standards and examples of Christ’s life?
Never forget that you are one-half of your relationship. If Holy Spirit has convicted you in one of these areas, take the time to work on them with Jesus and with a counselor if necessary. The quickest change you can make in your relationship always begins with you.
Once you have worked on yourself, you need to evaluate the health of each of your relationships. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you see any unhealthy or toxic areas and what you need to do about them with a serious talk or boundary. If you discuss things that need to change in Christ’s love and grace and your friend becomes defensive, blames you, or storms out of the room, you will need to pray about this friendship.
Live in Christ’s Healthy Example
When you study the friendships of Jesus with Peter, James, and John, you will see these three healthy aspects. They shared their hearts, beliefs, and truths. Their friendships included goodness, mutual respect, loving truth, questions, discussion, hurt, correction, repentance, and forgiveness.
Jesus shows us that relationships with imperfect people are messy, sometimes challenging, and always evolving. When we keep God first and walk with Jesus every day, he can transform us and make us healthy. However, sometimes we also need professional help.
Because of learning and believing unhealthy and toxic characteristics were normal in friendships, I had to learn healthy ones. The only way I became healthy was to learn and implement healthy aspects of Christ’s characteristics and standards in my life. If you can’t find good, healthy friends, seek professional help to evaluate your beliefs and understanding of a healthy friendship.
Once you learn to live in healthy relationships founded on Christ, your heart and life will be blessed with Christ’s abundance of love, goodness, respect, truth, and healthy friends! Find support and grow in your relationship with Jesus. Join my private Facebook group Growing Through God’s Transforming Grace, https://www.facebook.com/groups/growingthroughgod.
