If you are like me, you may have thought Christian friends would be safe. However, some believers who I thought were my friends in the past have hurt me the deepest. Why did this happen? Have you encountered the same reality?
The Reality of Our Imperfect Human Condition
Although God knit us together in our mother’s womb from his perfect love, we are born into sin because of Adam and Eve’s sin. Our sin makes us imperfect. Our imperfect condition and our first interactions with other imperfect people created our confusion between what is healthy, unhealthy, or abusive.
People are like computers. We can only do what we know. As we grow up in life, we develop our definition and understanding of what a friendship is from our experiences, beliefs, and role models. Unfortunately, if we have learned unhealthy or abusive ways, we keep using them until we recognize and learn something new and implemented in our life.
Even though we ask Jesus to be the Lord of our life, he doesn’t instantly download us with his knowledge of how to live and love like him. God designed us like Him with the power to choose. Will we choose life and Christ’s healthy ways, characteristics, heart, mind, and standards, or will we continue to repeat our unhealthiness or toxic ways?
Three Biggest Subconscious Misconceptions
- Instant Corrections: Subconsciously, many Christians believe that salvation instantly corrects their unhealthy beliefs or habits, especially if they do not understand the verse in 2 Corinthians 5:17. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”
This verse is telling us that as Christ lives in us, our spirit becomes a new creation. Salvation is our first step in our journey of faith. However, each person must decide if they will let Jesus teach them, if they will study God’s word and obey his ways, and if they will allow Jesus to prune any unhealthy or abusive ways in their life. This process is living out our faith and being transformed into the likeness of Christ. Believers are responsible for learning and obeying God’s word.
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Rom. 12:2, NIV)
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. (Col. 3:5, NIV)
- All Christians are Loving: Many believers reason that because Jesus is good and gave his life for us, all Christians must be loving. Although this is what heaven will be like, our reality is often the opposite on this broken earth. This mindset does not follow God’s truth. Salvation is a gift. However, growing and living out our faith and being transformed into the likeness of Jesus is a life-long process that requires our daily interaction.
God knows that learning about him and Jesus is a personal choice we must each make apart from choosing salvation. Dwelling with God and Jesus requires us to grow our relationship with them every day. Unless we learn the mind, heart, characteristics, healthy boundaries, respect, responsibility, freedom, fruits, grace, mercy, and unconditional love of Jesus and how to thrive in it, we will continue to struggle in unhealthiness and toxic abuse.
If believers are not taught that they must learn these aspects of Christ and how to work with Jesus and the Holy Spirit, they will be frustrated, confused, and often live as a carnal Christian. Until they learn the healthy love design of Christ and realize that they are instructed to evaluate people to see if they are healthy and following God’s ways according to their spiritual fruits: love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, kindness, and self-control. (Gal. 5:22-23, NIV)
Jesus never tells us to trust all believers, befriend them, or give them access to our hearts. He tells us to guard our hearts (Prov. 24:3, NIV) and be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. (Matt. 10:16, NIV)
- We must let others treat us badly to follow the verses of turning the other cheek and forgiving others. These are two of the most misused verses in the Bible, usually said by people saying or doing unhealthy, abusive, and sinful acts to us. When you look at the example of Christ’s life, notice that he never allowed anyone to mistreat, manipulate, coerce, use, or abuse him in his everyday life. The context of the Scripture concerning turning the other cheek was directed at dealing with nonbelievers in a formal dispute. Although the verse about forgiving others so that we may be forgiven is true, the Bible never tells us that forgiveness means we must continue to allow a person to hurt or abuse us. Once again, if we look at the life of Jesus, we can see how he draws boundaries and even walks away from people who refuse to believe or are unhealthy.
Christ’s Disciples must Follow His Example
Christian friendships must follow the heart, characteristics, and example of Christ’s life. At the core of Christ’s life is the first and second commandments. “To love God with all your mind, heart, soul, and strength; and to love your neighbor as you love yourself.” (Matt. 22:36-40) Within Christ’s love and life, we see respect, freedom, hurt, forgiveness, grace, mercy, responsibility, healthy boundaries, loving truth, and walking away.
If we don’t know what healthy characteristics and behaviors look like, we are responsible for learning how to be healthy with Christ and through Christian counselors. Jesus instructs us to learn and become more like him. “Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Jesus did. (1 John 2:6, NLT)
To have good Christian friends, start with yourself by becoming a growing disciple of Christ. Work with him, and he will transform your mind, heart, words, and actions to reflect his more and more. Stop believing these lies about what it means to be or to have a Christian friend.
Always remember that Jesus lives in you. He tells us. “I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters,[a] you were doing it to me!” (Matt. 25:40, NLT) This verse will help you evaluate yourself and other believers to make sure they are meeting up to Christ’s example and truth.
Find support and grow in your relationship with Jesus. Join my private Facebook group Growing Through God’s Transforming Grace, https://www.facebook.com/groups/growingthroughgod.
