“Honey, you know that I love you, and I would not intentionally hurt you. I was just kidding.”
Have you ever heard this statement from your husband and found yourself wondering what love really means to him?
Who Asks Their Spouse About Love?
When couples get caught up in the emotions of love as they know it, they can be blind to clues of unhealthiness. They can let their guard down or choose to overlook some essential clues of unhealthiness or toxic definitions of love, especially if they are love-starved. During the first part of a relationship, a person can also be deceived because they are on their best behavior.
Although many couples go through pre-marital counseling:
- How many courses have each person write down their definitions and beliefs about love?
- How many couples discussed their experience and understanding of love from growing up?
- How many couples had a list of each spouse showing what love thinks, says, and does?
Without having a clear understanding of what each person believes about love, we use our experiences to make assumptions about our future spouse. As believers, we look at the love chapter in 1 Corinthians 13 and trust we both know and believe.
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (1 Cor. 13:4-7, NLT)
Our Experiences Create Assumptions
Because people are not born knowing Christ’s love, every person creates their own imperfect definition and design of love from their messages, experiences, and the role models they watch growing up. In their broken love design, believers can deem many unhealthy words and behaviors okay, as long as they are followed by an apology, excused through deflection as a joke, or the victim being too touchy.
Most Christians do not realize they are operating in their imperfect or broken love design even if they have excepted Jesus into their heart at an early age. Many believers assume that when Christ makes our spirit new at salvation, he also instantly makes our love like his. Our unawareness and assumptions create a false understanding of love and set our relationships up for a tug-of-wills.
Understanding the Differences is Crucial
When we assume our spouse is operating from the same or similar definitions, understanding, and beliefs of love, we make a dangerous assumption. Without complete clarity about love, each spouse will be operating from their imperfect love design. Each one will try to use their design, causing a constant tug-of-wills.
If you grew up in a home where your dad helped with household chores when needed automatically, you see this as an act of love, which is healthy. However, if your spouse grew up in a home where his mom was responsible for all inside chores, whether working or sick, this is his expectation and understanding of love. You can see how these differences can create a tug-of-wills concerning responsibility.
Now let’s look at an example of communication. If you grew up in a home where it was okay to scream and yell mean statements at each other as long as you apologized, you see this form of communication as a normal expression of love. However, if your spouse grew up in a family where you didn’t raise your voice or say anything mean on purpose, his experience with loving communication is what he expects and assumes will be yours.
No matter how much each spouse proclaims to love Jesus, if they are operating from unhealthy or toxic beliefs, words, or actions they believe are loving, you will struggle in your marriage. The only way for a marriage to live in unity centered in Christ is to learn Christ’s love design and follow it. To change your love, each spouse must realize and be willing to look at their definitions, beliefs, words, and expressions of love.
Christ’s Love Design Changes Your Love
every disciple of Christ is responsible for learning to love like him. When each spouse chooses to live in Christ’s love design, Jesus will help them see what beliefs, words, and actions do not match his. As believers walk hand-in-hand with Jesus, they will thrive in his love design full of respect, freedom, responsibility, obedience to the first and second commandments, safe boundaries, and the fruits of the Holy Spirit.
When each spouse is growing in their personal relationship with Jesus and following his love design, their marriage will be unified. Both spouses will be following the path of Christ love design and not their individual broken love designs. This path is the beautiful marriage design God intended for all of his children.
However, the only decision we can make is our own. No matter what our spouse chooses, each of Christ’s disciples is responsible for learning to love like him. If you choose to love like Jesus and your spouse doesn’t, you may need professional help from a counselor to make certain your marriage is not abusive. If your marriage is abusive, you will need to follow a whole set of different guidelines to make sure you are safe.
The only way to break the cycle of using our imperfect love designs is to learn Christ’s love design.
