Abuse and the Narcissistic Man

The word narcissist is often used as a joke to describe an egotistical person. However, the devastation a narcissist man can bring into your life is very real.

The American Psychiatric Association (APA), in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (2000), defines narcissism as “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts.” The person with this disorder has five or more of the following characteristics:

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. Is preoccupied with and has fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Believes he is “special” and only deserves to have other “special” people around
4. Requires excessive continual admiration whether deserving or not
5. Is envious of others or believes others are envious of him
6. Has a sense of entitlement and is unreasonable, i.e., won’t compromise and others must adjust to him
7. Takes advantage and is exploitative of others to achieve goals
8. Lacks empathy, is unwilling to identify with the feelings and needs of others
9. Displays arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes, takes no responsibility and blames others

Domestic violence (DV) occurs when an abuser elicits and displays power and control over a victim he has an intimate relationship with, regardless of the cost to the victim. The narcissistic abuser displays the characteristics numbered 6-9. Statistics show that domestic abuse is perpetrated by men who are narcissistic, even if not officially diagnosed as such (APA 2000). NOTE: Because 85% of abusers are men I refer to the abuser as male for this article.

There are many categories of narcissism. However, I will discuss two—the social and the antisocial, narcissistic abusers. Both believe every woman is expendable as long as he remains in control and power.

Social Narcissistic Abuser

His goal is to lure a woman into his control with charm, attention, material possessions, protection, and professed love. Once she is deceived, he incorporates manipulation and coercion to isolate her. In her isolation, she becomes dependant on him emotionally, socially, financially, and as her only source of twisted love.

Social narcissistic abusers are often very prominent, successful, and admired in their community and profession. They can be teachers, bank presidents, senators, preachers, and policemen. They are master deceivers at making lies appear to be the truth. They avoid using physical violence to avoid leaving any visible proof of abuse.

Social narcissistic abusers set up the victim to take the blame for anything the abuser does wrong. Because the victim is not known or understood, only the abuser receives the sympathy and support of the community. Meanwhile, the victim receives more abuse; she is further isolated and encased in more fear. She feels like she is going crazy because no one else can see the abuse she endures. It is tougher for these victims to get support to leave their abusive relationship because they have little or no physical proof. The victim not only has to fight her low self-worth but also her community.

Antisocial Narcissistic Abuser

The antisocial-narcissistic abuser also lures a woman into his control with charm, attention, material possessions, protection, professed love, and by playing a wounded victim that needs her special help. Once she is deceived, he incorporates manipulation and coercion to isolate her. In her isolation, she becomes dependent on him emotionally, socially, financially, and as her only source of twisted love.

An antisocial narcissist does not believe rules apply to him and he does not care what people think. He is in charge, and his woman (victim) better listen, or else. Antisocial abusers do not care if people see the marks they leave on their women. They do not care who hears their abusive words or sees their abusive actions in public places.

Average Abuser

The average abusers are a fluctuating combination, of these two extremes, making it hard for victims who are unaware of the definition, signs, and cycles of domestic violence and narcissism to put their finger on what is actually going on.

Victim’s Reality

Most victims are further confused because they believe the lies their abusers tell them—that they are responsible for ”causing” him to get angry and hurt them. She focuses on herself as the problem. She does all she can to fix all her faults he points out to keep herself from triggering his anger.

Getting trapped in this cycle of domestic abuse causes her to lose the ability to realistically and logically evaluate what is indeed going on. Her fight and flight emotions are in survival mode which is further enhanced if she has children. All of these factors are further complicated if she, and or her abuser are Biblically unstudied Christians. Without understanding the truth about God’s design for love and marriage which exclude abuse, she feels trapped by her marriage vow under God. In all her confusion and emotional turmoil, she slowly loses her identity, value, and will to fight.

If you are reading this article and you find remnants of your life between the lines of this article, I want to encourage you to investigate your intimate relationship. Learn the signs and realities of abuse and domestic violence by going to www.NCADV.org, National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, or my website to see God’s truth about His design for love. https://godstransforminggrace.com