We all do what we know, and we measure up to what we have come to accept as okay or “normal.” When you do not know or understand how to use Christ’s heart and character as your definition and design of love, you will use what you know.
There is a darkness around secrets that will remain until they are brought into Christ’s light. Darkness is where the devil and all evil secrets and schemes have the ability to keep you imprisoned.
When our “normal” is unhealthy and promotes using people to get what you want, you become a disrespectful user and often an abuser of people. Likewise, women who grow up in this unhealthy environment come to believe is it “normal” and expected for them to be used and live their life as a victim if they are to be loved.
I was never taught how I was deceived by my childhood thoughts, beliefs, mistakes, and life experiences concerning my value. I discovered these lies, and my self-worth began being transformed when I consistently studied God’s word. My understanding deepened as my relationship with Christ flourished. I became devoted to learning what it means to let Jesus be the originator of my value and to live like I believed him.
For most of my childhood, I tried being a “perfect little girl” so I would be noticed and loved by my parents. In my teens, I tried to fit into the clicks by partying. In my thirteen-year abusive marriage, I tried to be what my abusive ex-husband kept telling me to be. You see, I know first-hand how easy it is to be deceived into believing you are not enough. I bought the lie of the devil that I had to be what someone else wanted me to be to feel loved. What deceptions are you caught in right now?
God is NOT mad at you. His will is not for you to be hurt or abused by your husband.
If you are looking for love in all the wrong places and still feeling love-starved, why not look to Jesus through a personal relationship. The only way to change the love in your life is to CHANGE what you have been doing. Transformational changes take place in the renewing your mind and heart through Christ Jesus. These changes empower you to intentionally choose your thoughts, words, attitudes, and actions to mirror his.
Without knowing God’s true meaning, I interpreted this chapter through the imperfect lens of my broken love experiences. My misguided understanding of love twisted my mindset. I saw love as me giving my all, while my spouse enjoyed it. I didn’t have equal expectations for the way he treated me. In this mindset, I saw the success or failure of my marriage as my sole responsibility. My one-sided and love-starved mindset and misunderstanding of God’s design for love and marriage made me vulnerable to become a victim of domestic abuse.
The primary trap for me was the illusion that my husband loved me, especially since I felt love-starved. The reason I stayed and kept trying to make my marriage work was my commitment to God in my marriage vows. I knew I had to give God and my husband my all. With my twisted understanding of love, I continued to be abused for thirteen years.
I never realized God created the perfect recipe, design, and aspects of love until I was in my thirties. No one ever told me, and I wouldn’t be surprised if no one told you. After several abusive marriages ending in divorce, I began to study the life of Jesus. He showed me his love is not a feeling. His pure love “is” the substance of all of God’s goodness and it “does” everything to honor Him, others, and yourself. Just as I needed the right ingredients to successfully bake mom’s cake recipe, I needed to know Christ’s recipe for love to live in each aspect.
Christ’s characteristics, words, and actions helped me understand what my thoughts, words, attitudes, and actions will look like when I love as he does. It also revealed what a marriage looks like in his design with gentleness, kindness, and selflessness. His love revealed the flaws I had unknowingly created in my definition of love.
