The marital abuse and divorce rates are the same for Christians and non-Christians. Why? How can this be true IF we are disciples of Christ and following God’s word?
During COVID, “Domestic violence cases increased by 25-33% globally in 2020. Nearly 20 people per minute.”
UAB News, Health & Medicine, The pandemic is increasing intimate partner violence. Here is how healthy care provides can help. By Caroline Newman, media contact, Anna Jones.
God’s Transforming Grace did a private social media survey asking various faith leaders about their biggest struggles concerning the unhealthy and toxic-abusive marriages in their congregations. The top answer was that they are not equipped and do not know how to approach the subject.
Not Equipped
The statistics and faith leaders have verified that they didn’t receive much education to help them identify if a marriage is healthy, unhealthy, or toxic-abusive. Understanding the differences and what to do safely takes training. Faith leaders need to understand the mindsets and complexities victims must overcome. They must also recognize the deceptive tactics of abusers and what to do. Now, let’s go over two key points to bring more understanding.
- Understanding the Types and Signs of Unhealthiness and Abuse
We all start our understanding and definition of love from our imperfect experiences, messages, beliefs, and role models. Most Christians don’t realize they are operating from their imperfect definition of love because they are not taught the aspects of Christ’s love design. They haven’t been taught the types and signs of unhealthiness or abuse and what to do if they find themselves in these relationships. Also, most Christians are not taught what God says about abuse. A lack of knowledge and understanding has left many Christians confused and in the cycle of an abuser.
- Biggest Misunderstanding About Christian Marriages
When victims come to faith leaders for help with their struggling marriage, faith leaders rely on what they know. Their efforts can be unhelpful or condemning if they haven’t learned how to identify an unhealthy or toxic abusive marriage. To truly help believers, you must know God’s truth, the types of marriages, and the facts concerning abuse.
The biggest misconception faith leaders have been led to believe is that all marriages are equal loving partnerships. God’s will and his design for marriage is an equal loving partnership. However, it is vital for faith leaders to determine if a marriage is a healthy, equal, loving partnership or a toxic-abusive dictatorship.
Treating every marriage as a loving partnership sets up victims to be further victimized. A healthy, equal loving partnership marriage holds equal respect, value, and honor. Both parties are committed to working together with God to work through life’s challenges. They will do everything possible to make personal changes to improve their marriage.
This picture is the ideal loving partnership God intended for his children.
However, in an unhealthy or toxic-abusive dictatorship marriage, there is no equal value, respect, or honor. In a dictatorship marriage, there is one ruler obsessed with keeping power and control over their spouse regardless of the cost to the spouse or children. The abuser chooses to perpetually sin against God and their spouse to maintain power and control.
So how can light be partners with darkness? How can good be equal partners with sin? Abuse is not an illness or condition. Abuse is a learned behavior and a choice to perpetually sin against God and their spouse.
The victim does not share in the abuser’s choice to sin. The victim is not to blame for the sin, and therefore they have no part in being able to fix the sin. When faith leaders treat a toxic-abusive dictatorship marriage with the same rules as a loving partnership marriage, they tell the victim they are responsible for the abuse.
Every person will be held accountable for their sins, not our spouses. Therefore, in a toxic-abusive dictatorship marriage, we must focus on helping, supporting, and guiding the victim, not the abusive sinner. The abuser knows what they are doing, while the victim mistakenly believes they are solely responsible for fixing their marriage.
We must approach a toxic-abusive dictatorship marriage with the primary focus on keeping the victim safe. Even if the victim asks about couples counseling, do not send them. The victim is trying to do everything to fix the marriage, but they have no power to change the abuser.
Sending an unhealthy or toxic-abusive couple to couples counseling gives false hope to the victim while loading the abuser with tons of ammunition to abuse the victim once they get home. Couples counseling in abusive marriages will escalate the abuse and cause more harm.
We Must Learn About Abuse, the Victim, the Abuser, and What God Says to End this Pandemic
Looking at current abuse and divorce rates among Christians and non-Christians must be our wake-up call to change what we are doing. Abuse has been a silent pandemic for centuries, and it’s time to follow Christ’s instructions and example to free the oppressed. It is never God’s will for anyone to be abused in any marriage.
It’s time to put the lives of the victims over keeping the divorce rates down. Jesus calls us to live in the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, gentleness, kindness, faithfulness, and self-control. None of these aspects can live in abuse. Let’s teach believers the true aspects of Christ’s love and how to live in them to end this pandemic now and for future generations!
