Beep, beep . . . beep, beep . . . beep, beep. This relentless rhythm echoed in the background as I sat beside my mother’s hospital bed holding her hand in mine. I sat staring at her sleeping and at peace while I tried to stop the doctor’slast words from demolishing the fragment of hope remaining in my heart. I didn’t want this to be her last hours on earth. I wanted more time. I didn’t want to feel the separation and loss in my heart and life when her soul departed to heaven. I had been dodging this moment all my life,and now I was at its mercy.
The first images I have of mom mirrored this one. I had grown up on the edge of waiting for her death. An edge, full of anxiety and fear. Over the years, I found myself wishing I had a way to protect myself from the imminentreality of loss and sadness. I thought if I could crawl into a protective shell, like a Hermit crab, I could stop the fear and sadness from shattering my heart.
I wanted to protect myself just like you have when you faced times of heartbreak and despair. Times that made you want to pull the covers over your head and never get out of bed. Times that made you create your own invisible barrier to keep your emotions from overtaking your mind and to prevent anyone from getting too close to your heart. But none of us have the power to prevent our sadness and pain from reaching into the depths of our heart on this broken earth. Not even Jesus was immune from experiencing the excruciating mental, emotional, and physical heartbreak from living inthis broken world in an imperfect body
The thought of being a hermit crab might seem like a great solution. However, the hermit crabs shell only cuts him off from the outside world. It doesn’t change what he experiences internally. No matter what you do, or where you go, you can never run away from your heart and emotions. This fact is a blessing and not a curse. Just as the moonlight pierces the darkness and the night ushers in the day, the incredibleblessings of pure love, joy, and the grace of God will empower you to see the good, beauty, and miracle within each challenge, trial, or test
You see in the midst of my mother’s last hours I made a choice to set my pain aside and hold her hand. If I had chosen to close my heart to feeling deep sadness, I would have lost the opportunity to paint the image of her face in my heart and mind. I would have missed feeling her warm fingers inmine. I would have missed inhaling hints of lavender lingering on her neck from her favorite perfume. I would have missed the pictures of her and I building sandcastles at the beach playing in my mind as my eyes traced her face. I would have missed sharing our last hug and her healing words, “Darla, I love you with all my heart. I’ll see you in heaven one day. Be strong and make as many memories as you can with those you love.”
The reality is, we will all experience times of heartbreak, great joy, and amazement. Only you can choose to let the journey and process of life empower you to grow. Like the hermit crab, you will have let go of the past to find a bigger future. Be courageous and do not choose to live a stunted, paralyzed, and fearful life trying to hide in a shell. Walk in your steadfastfaith and be open to all the wonders God created you to do and to be. Learn how to grow and live in your faith. And look for the miracles within the messes and you will be blessed.
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