As my dad grew older and his health was failing, he became very bitter and unkind to me. I understood that his lack of control over what was going on made him angry. However, I knew I had to set healthy boundaries so I could continue being his primary caregiver.
Tug-of-Wills in Relationships
Our family relationships are the hardest and most complicated relationships we will ever have because of the dynamics. We don’t get to choose our family. But we get to choose how we will interact with them, let them interact with us, or if we must limit our interaction or walk away from the relationship to remain healthy.
Every person forms an imperfect love design because we are not born knowing Christ’s love design or blueprint. We form our broken love design from our messages, experiences, beliefs, and role models. Unfortunately, some or many of the ways we have learned to communicate, act, and love one another are unhealthy or even toxic.
Because each person has their unique definition and understanding of love, they will do their best to insert their imperfect love design into a relationship. Likewise, the other person in the relationship also tries to insert their broken love design. This tug-of-wills happens subconsciously, but it becomes the dance within a relationship.
Boundaries Reveal Healthy, Unhealthy, or Abusive Relationships
When we become a disciple of Christ, we are responsible for learning how to think, speak, and behave like Jesus in his kind and gentle love. As we walk with Jesus and our personal relationship grows, we will recognize unhealthy or abusive aspects within a relationship. Jesus tells us several times to evaluate people by the fruit they bear.
So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can it disease tree bear good fruit.” (Matt. 7:17-18, ESV)
“But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, goodness, gentleness, kindness, faithfulness, and self-control.” (Gal. 5:22-23, NIV)
When we are operating in our broken love design, and we don’t know what Christ love looks like, we can be confused about our family relationships. Even if we have received salvation early, we must realize that many of us have been operating in our broken love and in an unhealthy dance in our relationship. The only way to make our relationships healthier is to learn and operate in Christ’s love design.
Challenge of Healthier Relationships
Once we identify unhealthiness or toxic abuse in our relationship, you will need to work with a professional Christian counselor experienced in abuse. If you grew up in unhealthiness or abuse, you would need to work through your beliefs and ask Jesus to help you replace any lies with his truth. The only person you can make healthier is yourself. By making yourself healthy, you have made the relationship healthier.
It will take time to learn that you have a right and responsibility to draw healthy boundaries as Christ’s disciple. Your counselor will help you learn to create boundaries safely within your family relationship and what to expect when you do. They will also help you have consequences prepared so that you can hold others accountable and protect yourself because you are the temple of the Holy Spirit. (1 Cor. 6:19, NIV)
Jesus shows us that when you choose to follow him and live according to God’s commands and his example, life and relationships will be challenging. Because we live in our imperfect human condition with other imperfect family members, life can be complicated. However, respecting and honoring others must remain equal to your self-honor and respect to follow the commandment. “Love your neighbor AS yourself.” (Mark 12:31, NIV)
As you draw healthy boundaries with respect, responsibility, freedom, accountability, and living in all the fruits of the Spirit, your unhealthy or abusive family members will not be happy. When you change your boundary, it changes the dance of your relationship. Change is the opportunity for growth. Change is not necessarily bad. However, change can be challenging and complex because unhealthy or abusive family members will have to change or deal with your boundary consequence.
Living in Healthier Family Boundaries
I was determined to honor my dad. I tried to spend time watching baseball games or helping him clean his apartment. However, as time passed, he became very critical and verbally abusive. I told dad many times that I was happy to come over as long as he was respectful and was kind, or I would leave. Unfortunately, he chose to have me go to his doctor’s appointments and run errands when he was sick.
It would have been nice to have a different relationship with my dad. But I was able to have healthy boundaries while still honoring my dad through service and kindness. He also got to choose what he wanted, and I respected his choice. Even though my dad had many unhealthy characteristics, I could still make the relationship healthier because I was healthier. Never forget that you are half of a relationship.
Unfortunately, it’s not always possible to have a healthy relationship with a family member; sometimes, you have to let them go. Jesus never gave us his example of allowing others to disrespect or abuse him before the cross. If a family member is abusive (see these resources, Signs of Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships). God does not require you to let them abuse you because they are family.
Abuse is a total contradiction to God’s truth and Christ’s loving example. One of the most important facts to get straight from God is that He created the first boundaries with Adam and Eve. Therefore, boundaries are following God’s example. Don’t be fooled by unhealthy or abusive people saying, “Some Christian you are, telling me no and not helping me.” Anytime manipulative tactics of guilt, shame, blame, or coercion are used on you, beware.
Drawing Your Boundaries
To help you understand boundaries, I recommend reading these two books.
- Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
- When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People, by Gary Thomas.
I would also recommend that you find a professional Christian counselor experienced with abuse to help you create healthy boundaries and consequences. They will give you the support you need as you change the dance in your relationships to make you healthier. I wish I could tell you that all your family members will be happy, loving, and grateful. But each person must choose to be healthier or to stay where they are.
If you proclaim to follow Jesus, you are responsible for learning to create and maintain healthy Christ-centered boundaries in love. Let professionals help you. Allow others to make their own choice, even if it means the relationship must end. Jesus tells us to identify the good of people by their fruit (Matt. 7:16-18, NLT), including family. You are the temple of Christ, so guard your mind, heart, spirit, and body! Find support and grow in your relationship with Jesus. Join my private Facebook group Growing Through God’s Transforming Grace, https://www.facebook.com/groups/growingthroughgod.
