“I just want to feel loved.” I have heard this statement and made this statement thousands of times in my life, even though I have known Jesus since age seven. How can you be a “Christian” and still feel unloved?
God Created Us with the Ultimate Need to Feel Loved
One of our primary invisible needs in life is to feel loved. Unfortunately, being born into sin because of Adam’s sin, we don’t know Christ’s pure love at birth. Even when we ask Jesus to be our Lord and Savior and receive his salvation, he doesn’t instantly download us with instructions about living in his love.
Most new believers are taught that Jesus loves them, and they are commanded to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31). However, they are not taught Christ’s love definition or what it means or looks like to love others as Jesus loves us. Instead of having a clear path to follow, new believers try to figure it out on their own according to their imperfect definition, experiences, understanding, beliefs, and examples of love from their life.
As new or immature believers love Jesus, go to church, and learn a few verses, they can become confused. They read that Jesus loves them, but they may struggle to feel his love. They don’t understand that how we feel is not an indicator of living in Christ’s love. Without knowing how to study God’s word to see Christ’s pure love, believers transfer their experiences with imperfect people to their expectations of Christ’s love. If we don’t know God’s truth, our minds fill in the unknowns with the imperfect things we know.
DIY Love Doesn’t Work
One fact of our human condition is our longing and need to have loving contact with other people. When we don’t experience healthy love in our childhood, our drive to feel loved makes us self-focused. Our self-focus affects how we see ourselves, others, and our relationship with Jesus.
Feeling love-starved for most of my life influenced what I believed about love. The pain in my past taught me that any attention, good or bad, was to be considered “love.” With this understanding and definition of love, I excused any unhealthy and abusive words and actions as long as there was “love.”
The hole in my heart and my ultimate need to feel love kept me operating in my emotions. I believed that I had to find a person to make me feel loved, even if it was only for a few minutes. In my unhealthy definition and craving for love, I became the perfect prey for an abusive man.
Without knowing Christ’s definition and design of love, we can get stuck in the mindset that we have to feel loved no matter what it costs us. The enemy uses our starvation and craving for love to keep us busy so we don’t seek Jesus with our whole heart. Our determination to “feel loved” also keeps us from learning the differences between healthy, unhealthy, and abusive relationships.
Because God created us with the desire to find and dwell in His perfect love, there is no way to fill this need on our own or with other imperfect people. But no one tells us this fact as new believers. Only Jesus can meet our need to be perfectly loved as we dwell with him in his love design.
Love Comes Through Our Relationship with Jesus
Once you have excepted Christ’s salvation, he is waiting for you to reach for him. Growing in our faith requires you to seek Jesus with your whole heart. You are responsible for learning Christ’s heart and ways through God’s word. There is no way to know God’s love or Christ’s until you grow in a personal relationship with them.
As you begin to learn the many aspects of Christ’s love, you understand that feeling loved comes with the confidence that you are a beloved child of God and a disciple of Christ. You realize that you can feel the pure love of Jesus flowing through you anytime you close your eyes and visit with him because Jesus lives in you. His love is always there, even if you don’t physically feel it from Jesus as a person.
Experience the Love of Jesus in Others
If you have struggled to feel loved or you are still struggling, you are not alone. Although we can feel the pure love of Jesus in us at times, we still need the loving touch of other people. I encourage you to find a group of Christ’s disciples who consistently exhibit the Holy Spirit’s fruits: love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, gentleness, kindness, faithfulness, and self-control. These fruits indicate the health of their hearts and the level of their relationship with Jesus.
As Christ’s disciples, do not be lead by your feelings. The apostle Paul tells us. “For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God.” (Rom. 8:14, NIV) Take your time to study people and pray for God to open doors to healthy friendships with His children who can show you His love. We all need hugs and the reassurance of holding our hands in challenging times. God created us to love one another, and He will help you find healthy people centered in his pure love.
As you grow in your personal relationship with Jesus, your understanding of his love and your feelings will fulfill your longing to “feel loved.” Regardless of how people treat you and what circumstance you face, you won’t question if you are loved by your Father, God, and your Savior, Jesus. Walk with Jesus every day and dwell in Christ’s pure love in your relationships and life!
I invite you to join me for my next 6-week class to learn how to live in Christ’s love design. Email me at darlacolinet@gmail.com, and I will put you on the waiting list.
Find encouragement and support for the challenges you face every day. Join my private Facebook group Growing Through God’s Transforming Grace.
