“When my husband is stressed, and he gets mad at me, he says mean and hurtful things. Afterward, he’s sorry and apologizes. I know we both love God, and we want our marriage to work, so why can’t we stop this pattern?” Sue asked me one afternoon after Bible study.
We Know Something is Wrong, But We Don’t Know How to Fix It
We know when something is wrong in our relationship, even if we don’t know what it is, why it’s happening, or how to fix it. As Christ’s disciples, we are filled with the Holy Spirit when we receive Salvation. The Holy Spirit is our alarm, and he convicts us when we or someone we have a relationship with is not talking or acting in a way that honors Christ.
Unfortunately, we’re not born knowing that Jesus has a love design or how to live in it. We form our imperfect love design from our experiences, fantasies, messages, beliefs, and role models. We use the influences around us from imperfect people, the world’s self-focus, self-gratification, exploitation, abuse, and degrading meaning of love. Without knowing we have the option to live in Christ’s love design, we keep doing what we know instead of studying God’s word for answers.
Our motive and goal may be to have a happy, loving marriage in Christ. However, when we’re operating from our broken love design without knowing it, we sense something is wrong, but we don’t know what it is or how to fix it. We continually change our understanding of love based on our experiences as we grow older, but that doesn’t always make our love healthier. The first step in any change or healing is discovery.
How We’re Deceived
We blindly operate from our imperfect or broken love design because that’s all we know. Each partner in a relationship brings their broken love design from their experiences, beliefs, fantasies, and role models. Each partner also assumes their spouse’s understanding and definition of love is the same as theirs.
Some partners have deemed some communication and behavior healthy that is unhealthy or abusive, without knowing it. Some partners have been deceived into believing that being a “good Christian” means you must be a doormat, especially if the one who hurt you says they’re sorry or asks you for forgiveness. Many Christians have been deceived by misused or misquoted Scriptures because “they do not know God’s word or His power” for themselves. (Matt. 22:29)
People are also deceived and drawn into operating from unhealthy love because of three rarely discussed factors.
- We’re not taught how to uncover our imperfect definition and design of love and work with Jesus to transform it into his healthy love with respect, freedom, responsibility, and healthy boundaries.
- Most of us were not taught the types and signs of abuse.
- Most of us were not taught what healthy boundaries are or how to draw and live in them.
Only You Can Change Your Love Design
I struggled for over thirty years in three different abusive marriages ending in divorces because I didn’t realize I was operating from my broken definition of love. I kept improving my definition, and in each marriage, the abuse was less, but it was still abuse. My improvements kept me feeling trapped in a maze of abuse while knowing deep in my heart; Christ would show me his pure love. Halfway through my third abusive marriage, I pursued Jesus with my whole heart. He took my life’s lessons and showed me how I had tried to find people to love me in a way only he could.
As I experienced his love, I began to see myself through his love and priceless value. He showed me how to examine my definition and design of love. He showed me a clear path to live in his pure love through his life and God’s words of truth. I realized how my broken definition of love had deceived me, the worlds’ influence, feeling love-starved, not knowing the types and signs of abuse, and not knowing God’s truth and Christ’s love design.
Listen to the Holy Spirit, Follow Christ’s Love Design, and Thrive in Healthy Love
If you’re a disciple of Christ, and you sense that you’re stuck in an unhealthy or abusive cycle of communication or behaviors in your marriage, listen to the leading of the Holy Spirit. As you learn from this blog post, there are various factors that many Christians are never made aware of or taught. However, now you know that you have an option to learn how to operate in Christ’s love design instead of using your broken love design.
You can stop struggling to fix your marriage and learn about Christ’s love design. As you work with him and uncover the lies you have believed, he will transform your definition and design of love into his. When you’re using Christ’s love design, you take the tug of wills between your broken love design and your spouse’s out of your relationship.
The only one you can change in your relationship is yourself, so began with yourself. Studying Christ’s life and God’s word to see his healthy examples of communication and behaviors is crucial. God designed marriage to thrive in his healthy love.
Unless we learn what God’s healthy love is through Christ’s love design, we will continue to use our broken love design, which will yield the same unhealthy results. God has all your answers, so always begin by His studying love. Work with Jesus and let him transform your love, heart, and life!
Learn more about Christ’s love design by reading past blogs. You can also stay encouraged and ask questions in my private Facebook group Growing Through God’s Transforming Grace.
Click this resource to see the differences between healthy, unhealthy, and toxic or abusive relationships.
