“How can you say you love me, and then a minute later you curse me and call me names?” I asked my abusive husband. My question ended in more abuse, followed by an apology, leaving me more confused. I didn’t realize my husband’s definition and expressions of love or his design were the opposite of mine. I finally understood this reality halfway through my third abusive marriage.
Power of Our Words
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” (Prov. 18:21)
God spoke everything into existence, including man and woman. Nothing happened until He spoke. The power of His words is also seen in the power that our words hold. God knit us together with the power to speak or sign words to build each other up or to tear them apart.
Unfortunately, we’re not born knowing the life-giving words of God. We grow up learning the words of our parents or caregivers, which is never perfect. Even if we grew up in a “Christian” home, like me, it doesn’t mean that our parents learned how to speak in Christ’s design of love. I know that they tried their best, but some of their hurtful words and beliefs created pain, devastation, and pivotal points in my life.
How We are Deceived into Deeming Deadly Words as Acceptable
Both of my parents grew up in dysfunctional and abusive homes. When they were saved and read God’s word, they became aware of some of the words they needed to stop using. However, they never learned to look at the words they deemed okay as long as an apology or reason justified their words.
Because we operate from what we know, we must change our words and realize their power, especially if you are a disciple of Christ. If you’ve spent a lifetime speaking destructive words with an occasional nice one thrown in, that’s what you will continue to do while wondering why you don’t have close friendships. The good news is that with Jesus, your past choice of words doesn’t dictate your future choice unless you don’t learn to speak God’s words of life.
Although most Christ-followers are not taught to examine all their word choices, where they came from, how they affect others, and how they align with the words of Christ, we must learn Christ’s words. Let’s look at some of the beliefs, motives, and ways we have justified unhealthy and destructive words that have been spoken to us and the ones we have said.
The top type of abuse that is rarely acknowledged or addressed in marriages is verbal abuse. Verbal abuse speaks in disrespectful, degrading, dishonoring manners to manipulate, control, and overpower their spouse psychologically. No one is immune to this learned form of toxic, abusive communication, not even “Christians.”
Many Cristian marriages struggle with fighting, sarcasm, and painful words. They want their marriage to be happy. However, they’re not taught to recognize the verbal cycle of abuse or stop it with Jesus. Let’s look at the husband’s words and the wife’s words to see how the cycle of destruction and abuse happens.
The Top Abusive Words That Can Kill a Marriage
These words are “I was just joking.” Saying mean words can bring the victim to tears. The victim can also respond in defense, stating the abuser is “being mean.” The abuser uses the words “just joking” as an attempt to escape the blame, responsibility, consequence, and ownership of being mean, hurtful, and abusive while trying to reassign blame to the victim. The abuser will often deflect the victim by saying they are “too sensitive or touchy.” Saying mean and destructive things is verbal abuse and sin in the eyes of God. Abuse is NEVER a joke.
- Husband’s example: “That dress is really tight on you nowadays. If you worked out harder, you could look like her. I thought you were trying to lose weight. Etc.”
- Wife’s example: “You could make more money or be more successful if you got a job like Joe. Maybe you could ask Joe what he does to stay so fit and look so good. Etc.”
Power of Words in Your Marriage
“If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless.” (James 1:26)
The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (Prov. 12:18)
The disciples of Christ must commit to loving one another as Christ loves us. (John 15:12) Jesus also tells us that what we do to each other is what we do to him. (Matt. 25:40) When we read all of these verses, we can see that we need to see our spouse as Christ himself. When we see Christ in our spouse, even if they do not act like him, we will wisely choose our words. We will choose words that encourage, respect, and honor them because we are speaking to Christ.
Marriage is a gift and a sacred covenant that must be nurtured and strengthened by the words of Christ’s love and life every day. We have no excuse for any hurtful, mean, or abusive word we choose to speak. If you have spent a lifetime saying whatever you thought or felt, it’s time to stop.
Ask the Holy Spirit to help you guard your mouth. Seek professional help to find and destroy the lies you have believed about saying mean and abusive words. Study the mind, heart, attitudes, words, actions, and life of Jesus to see how he respected and loved people, especially those closest to him.
Choose Christ’s Love Design as Yours
When you use the loving, life-giving words of Jesus, you can change the love design in your marriage. The words of Jesus and God are life and pure love so begin with them. Invest in your personal relationship with Jesus and study God’s word. Walk hand in hand with Jesus every day, and the transformation in you will also change your marriage.
You may be amazed at what happens in your spouse’s mind and heart as they hear and see the love of Jesus emanating from you. With practice, Christ’s loving words will become your normal ones. You may even be surprised how much your words transform you to be more like Christ.
Only you can choose what words you will speak. Every word is life or death, so choose wisely. “The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil. I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” (Matt. 15:35-37)
Understand more about all the aspects of Christ’s love by reading more of my blogs or by ordering Quest for Exceptional Love now! There is also a workbook available!
To grow in your understanding and relationship with Jesus, join my private Facebook group Growing Through God’s Transforming Grace, https://www.facebook.com/groups/growingthroughgod.
