- I told my pastor that my husband constantly called me names. When I told my husband his words hurt me, he dismissed my feelings and said I needed to quit being so sensitive.
- I shared the abuse charges from a police report with my pastor. My pastor condemned me for smearing my husband’s good name, a church deacon, by going to the police.
- I told my pastor that my husband was beating and cutting me. The pastor said I needed to be more understanding and pray for him.
I asked him, “What if he kills me?”
The pastor said, “At least you will go to heaven.”
All of these accounts are just the tip of the iceberg of abuse when I think of all the hundreds of women who have shared their pain, abandonment, condemnation, and spiritual abuse from spiritual leaders over the years. Can you picture the pain and heartbreak on the face of Jesus? It’s time for faith leaders to stop ignoring abuse and learn how to identify, support, and guide victims.
Historically the Church Has Ignored Marital Abuse
Historically the church has ignored abuse for the following three reasons.
- Male Privilege
- Misinterpretation of Scripture
- Unaware and Unprepared
Let’s look at each of these and how God calls us to work together using his truth to live in Christ’s example of love.
- Male Privilege: Society has built on male privilege. Even in Christ’s time, women were considered possessions, less than men, objects of sex and procreation, commodities, and disposable. The fact that Jesus talked to women and proclaimed their value went against society’s treatment of women.
Unfortunately, partial Scriptures have been used to justify keeping women less than men and objects to be used or abused by their husbands or society. When faith leaders proclaim they are Disciples of Christ, they must follow God’s biblical instructions on how to love people, especially their wives. Jesus commanded us.
"Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples." (John 13:34-35, NIV)
- Misinterpretation of Scripture: Many faith leaders, over the centuries, have misquoted or misused the Ephesians 5:22-33 passage instructing wives to submit to their husbands because he is the head of the household. Many pastors don’t use the complete passage, which has many instructions for husbands. Husbands are instructed to cherish their wives and not be dominating. They are to love and treat their wives just as Christ loves and treats them. This passage depicts the husband as responsible for respecting, honoring, and building up their wife.
Being a disciple of Christ means we will follow God’s word and hold other believers accountable who do not follow Christ’s ways. In the Bible, violence is an offense against God and humanity. Violence is associated with wickedness and “detestable to the Lord.” (Psa. 11, Prov. 3 & 10) We can no longer ignore the pandemic of domestic abuse in the church when the statistics are no different among Christians and non-Christians.
- Unaware and Unprepared: Historically, the church has not acknowledged that abuse happens in Christian marriages. They have avoided getting involved in the “private matters” of marriage because it requires accountability and consequences. They have focused on keeping marriages together and divorce rates down at the cost of victims.
Their choices to avoid acknowledging abusive Christian marriages have left them unaware and unprepared. Without acknowledging abuse, faith leaders are not open to learning how to identify, support, and guide victims. Ignoring the reality of abusive Christian marriages is not God’s heart, teachings, or will.
The dramatic increase in domestic abuse and divorce during Covid has been a wake-up call for faith leaders. They realize that they have had little or no training concerning the types and signs of abuse, the reality that not all marriages are equal loving partnerships, and how to teach people the aspects of Christ’s love. They are beginning to see that getting equipped to handle domestic abuse is the only way to end it in Christ’s church.
Following Jesus, Means Addressing Abuse and Stopping It
The primary concern of all faith leaders must be the safety of victims in unhealthy or abusive marriages. They must not risk the lives of victims because they want to keep divorces from happening. God created divorce to protect women. To tell women who are victims of abuse that divorce is not an option doesn’t follow God’s word. So, how can we help the oppressed and keep them safe? How do we handle abusers?
All permanent change results from learning something new and putting it into practice. The apostle Paul tells us our faith without actions is dead. This principle applies to how we must handle the church’s pandemic of unhealthy and abusive marriages. The first step forward is to provide in-depth practical training for faith leaders to identify, support, and guide victims.
Join Me in a Live Training
We cannot stand on the pulpit and ask abusers to come forward without putting victims in danger; therefore, we must know how to approach the subject safely. We must know the types and signs of abuse, the mindsets of victims and abusers, and how to handle each party. We must be aware of God’s truth, abuse facts and be prepared to identify and help victims.
Abuse is never God’s will or his design for marriage. When we follow Jesus, we will follow what he says in this verse.
"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free." (Luke 4:18, NIV)
Let’s get equipped to resolve the unhealthy and abusive marriage pandemic. Let’s teach Christ’s disciples what his love looks like and how to overcome their unhealthy definitions and behaviors of love. Click here to sign up for a live workshop or a zoom class.
