People who have been in abusive relationships are deceived into believing their abuse is their fault. Their abuser specializes in placing the blame of his sinful actions on the victim. Abusers use blame to defect the truth and to avoid taking responsibility for their sinful actions. Abuse is NEVER the victim’s fault. People can always walk away if they’re upset. It’s never God’s will or the character and teaching of Jesus Christ to let someone abuse you. God’s truth says the opposite. Love others AS you love yourself, is His second greatest commandment.
The thoughts and feelings of blame come from the devil to keep you focused on your pain and blind to the help and freedom available in Jesus. When you let feelings of blame consume your mind, it will bring its partners or guilt and shame. All these emotions are the tools the enemy uses to attack your Christ-identity and your self-esteem. They are used to keep the focus off of the real problem and accountability, the abuser.
The Consequence of Self-Blame
The feelings of self-blame and low self-esteem can lead to a myriad of problems such as:
- Self-criticism
- Self-destructive behaviors, such as alcohol or drug abuse, overeating, etc.
- Perfectionism
- Self-neglect
- Depression, anxiety, and health problems relating to the stomach and intestines.
- Christ-identity crisis by forgetting you are loved and a child of God
- Low self-worth and a belief that you don’t deserve to be loved
The realities of abuse are never God’s design for your life. He made you in His perfect love, and Jesus showed you his exceptional love and how to live in it through his life. There is no shame or guilt when Jesus lives in you.
Romans 8:1 NIV “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
Being one with Christ requires self-compassion, which can only be achieved when you stop blaming yourself and learn the art of self-forgiveness, and you let him heal your mind, heart, and spirit.
Acknowledging Where the Fault Lies
In an abusive relationship, victims are subconsciously deceived and manipulated into believing they caused the abuser to hurt them. This mindset is like blaming a murdered victim for making her killer kill her. The blame, responsibility, and the sin of abuse lies ONLY with the abuser. They are choosing their abusive words, mind games, and actions to control you, not to love you.
Victims are brainwashed into believing if they take the blame (responsibility for their own abuse), they can make things better in their relationship. Blame is the tool of the abuser and the devil, so do not buy into it. Don’t accept the blame for your abuser’s actions. No matter what anyone says or does, the other person can walk away or choose to be kind. Abuse is a choice by your abuser, and it’s their responsibility to fix themselves with Christ. Jesus is their only Savior. Recognizing that each person is responsible and accountable to Jesus and learning to love yourself through Christ’s exceptional love is the key to breaking free from the lies of self-blame.
“He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength…Those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:29-31
You Can’t Please Everyone and You are not Instructed to be Abused
Although Jesus lived in love, humility, and service he never allowed anyone to disrespect or abuse him until he gave himself to be crucified for our sins. It’s easy to get confused or to be deceived into believing we are instructed to allow everyone to abuse us and to turn the other cheek. These are lies created from twisted misquoted scriptures.
Many Christian’s and churches have instructed the women in their congregations to be humble, selfless, obedient to their husbands, and always forgiving without understanding the true definition and design of Christ’s exceptional love design. No scripture in complete context supports any abuse, especially by a Christian husband. We are instructed to be wise and to follow the example of Christ’s life, which includes self-care and healthy boundaries. Jesus never healed someone at the expense of his own health and he never made his sole purpose healing the sick to please them. He often left the crowds to be alone with God to find rest.,.
Our purpose is to love God with all our hearts, minds, soul, and strength and to love others AS we love ourselves. We are to be in a growing personal relationship with Jesus every day and bring God honor and glory as we become more like Jesus. It’s not your responsibility to please man but to please God first. Jesus is the only Savior. It’s not your responsibility to fix, heal, please, or transform your partner into a man who loves you like Christ himself. It’s his job, and he will be held accountable one day. It’s time to see the truth about blame and only own and repent for what you have done. You didn’t cause, ask for, or deserve to be abused. Your abuser hurt you, you didn’t hurt them.
To break free from the mindset and lies of blame, contact me today!
Darla Colinet is a Christian Self-Esteem Speaker and love and life coach in Colorado. She empowers Christian women with the hope, love, and strength of Christ to help them overcome abusive relationships and a low self-esteem mindset. Get in touch with her to learn about her story of overcoming twenty years of abuse and finding triumph in Christ!
