For thirteen years I hid any extra money I thought my hurtful and controlling husband wouldn’t notice. You see, I was only given twenty dollars a month for anything extra I needed, including hygiene items. Every other financial transaction was accounted for most of the time. When I told my husband I wanted to get a job so I could help us financially, he blew up. He told me my job was to take care of the house and him. My ex-husband made it very clear that I wasn’t going to work because that would look bad for him.
What is Financial Abuse?
This aspect of my life reveals the signs of financial abuse. Financial abuse is the number one reason women victims state they can’t leave their abusive relationship, especially if they have children.1 The word abuse is equivalent to CONTROL. The abuser will use any means he can to manipulate, threaten or shame you into missing work which includes physical abuse and harassing you at work, to quit your job, or he takes control of any money you earn. If you’re not sure if you can leave yet or if you’re ready, I want to help you find ways to prepare financially for any uncertainty in your future. There are several things you can do to start, improve, or discover what career path would be good for you to take. As you think about your options, I encourage you to find a way to connect with your local women’s shelter to make sure you know how to stay safe while you’re deciding what to do. They also have many resources to help you see many career options you didn’t know existed. You can learn skills and work in most abusive relationships. If you can’t, then seek immediate help.
First, and foremost, acknowledge the fact that you’ve managed all the aspects of stress in your life while you kept everyone’s lives going. You have been successfully running your home, which is a business for years. You’re the backbone of your marriage and family. Without you, the family would crumble.
What Does God Say About a Working Woman?
Many Christians take the stand that the woman shouldn’t work. However, in this day and age, it often takes both the husband and wife to work to live above the poverty level. I look at the verses in Proverbs 31. God’s word describes the wife with activities including purchasing materials, buying property, planting vineyards, doing business which includes managing people, and also taking care of her family. Women must be prepared to become the sole provider due to unexpected death, abandonment, or divorce. To ensure you are prepared to be the sole provider, you’ll need to figure out what you like to do and what skills you need to learn to build a career.
Assess Your Skills
- Where did you work in the past?
- If you didn’t have a job, what do you like to do?
- Are you a people person, small business, or corporate?
- Do you like the health profession?
- If you have children at home what jobs can you do via the internet?
The health industry will always need receptionists, nurses, and specialists. You can be hired for many jobs by graduating from online or local specialty schools without graduating from a four or six-year traditional college. Call these specialty schools or go a visit them. Ask them about their programs, funding, and if you can take one course at a time. If you can’t start right away, ask them if they have older books left over from other students or if they are available at your local library and start reading [i]them. A job in the health field can support you and your children within a short time. If the health field doesn’t interest you, look at jobs you can do from home that are legitimate. Stay away from ones who promise great paychecks right away. If you don’t know what you’d like to do or what jobs could financially provide for you and your children, take a career assessment test online, through your local job placement offices, library, or at a women’s shelter. They will help you find a great career area for you to pursue.
Be Prepared for Opposition and How You Will Handle it Safely
Once you start learning, don’t be surprised if your choice stirs up tension or an outburst. You may also experience your abuser’s delight at your pursuit of a career. You may see hope for a change in his heart. However, I caution you to see if he finds ways to manipulate you to miss school or work or after a while he tells you to quit. Watch to see if he demands that all your paycheck goes under his sole control. These actions and words reveal he’s still in the abusive control mode.
At this point, you need to talk to a professional to help you decide if it’s time to separate or leave and how to do it safely. Any time you take a step forward, your abuser will perceive it as him losing control over you. The question you need to ask yourself is how long you will let your self-serving abuser determine every aspect of you and your children’s lives and future.
Many of you may be scared of separating or divorcing your abusive husband. I understand your fear as it took me thirteen years to finally leave. I share my insight to help you avoid adding any more years to your prison of abuse. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit. You’ve already walked through all the years of your relationship or marriage, and now you have decided to stop this cycle. Remember, all that you allow your abuser to do to you, is in reality, allowing him to do it to Christ who lives in you! Stop this cycle of pain and abuse in your life and the futures of your children. Partner with Jesus and show your children they also have the power and blessing through Christ to live abundant lives filled with joy, peace, and love. Creating healthy, loving, and vibrant lives are the reason Jesus came to earth and now lives in you.
Don’t Give Up; You’re Not Alone
Your journey will be hard sometimes, and it will seem easier just to give in and go back. However, recognize this thought and pattern as a lure from the devil to keep you trapped. Remind yourself that you’re out from under the tyranny of abuse and now “you have the power” to decide what happens in your life. Acknowledge your feelings as they are real. However, don’t let them control your decisions as they don’t have a BRAIN. In your times of doubt and uncertainty, cling to Jesus, your anchor in the fiercest storms. Stay determined to walk with Jesus, and you will find your healing through God’s transforming grace. You, like me, will live safe, secure, and loved. Only you can choose to trust Jesus. Be courageous in him. Find your career path and financial future and change the course of your life in safety!
To understand if you are being abused and the complexities of these manipulations, download my FREE Handout: Overcome Your Anxiety, Fear, and Powerlessness in Your Hurtful Relationship! Are You Being Abused? https://godstransforminggrace.com/
[i] https://www.huffingtonpost.com /2014/10/23/domestic-violence-statistics_n_5959776.html
