“I love my husband, but he struggles with his temper because of all of the hurt in his past. If I love him enough and forgive him for constantly hurting me, I can show him how much Jesus loves him. One day, he will become the loving, godly husband God designed him to be.”
“I love my husband, but his hurtful comments need to be addressed. I will be kind and compassionate when I talk with him. However, I must remember that how I let him treat me is how I’m letting him treat Christ living in me. I know God’s design of marriage includes mutual respect, responsibility, and accountability. Therefore, our marriage partnership must include evaluation and correction when needed in love.”
Which of these two paragraphs most describes how you view your marriage? Are you focusing on fixing pain and using rationales for bad behavior, or do you recognize when unhealthiness creeps in, and it’s time to hold your partner accountable in love? Which of these circumstances is following Christ’s example of love?
Rescue Versus Partnership
Rescue or Messiah Complex
- Webster defines rescue as saving (someone) from a dangerous or distressing situation.
- Messiah complex is a belief and state of mind that you are destined to save the person from pain or bring them to Salvation in Christ.
Approaching your marriage with the mindset of saving or rescuing your spouse from their past or current pain can create unhealthy and possibly abusive patterns in your marriage. Although you love your spouse, making excuses for their bad behavior or bailing them out of painful consequences is not operating in healthy love.
Many believers get confused about their marriage because they’re operating from their imperfect love definition by default even though they have received salvation. Their heart is to love and follow Jesus, but their love habits from the past have not been transformed into Christ’s. Jesus never used blame or excuses to rationalize unhealthy or sinful behaviors. Christ’s disciples must follow his ways.
Unfortunately, the church has not taught new believers what it really means to love like Jesus with a clear path to follow. It’s very difficult for people who have grown up in unhealthy love to believe there is another way to love. They have no point of reference from their imperfect experiences and understanding of love to imagine the pure, unconditional love of Jesus.
If you identify with viewing your marriage as a rescue mission or from a Messiah complex, you need to remember that there is only one Savior, Jesus Christ.
There is salvation in no one else (but Jesus Christ)! God has given no other name under heaven by which we must be saved.” (Acts 4:12, NLT)
When you acknowledge that only Jesus has the power to save and transform your spouse, you are freed from the misplaced responsibility you put on yourself. Only your spouse can choose to truly work with Jesus and let him transform their mind, heart, behaviors, and life. Releasing your thoughts and tendencies to try to save your spouse allows space in your heart and mind for God to make you the healthiest spouse you can be.
God’s Design of a Partnership Marriage
Webster defines partnership as the state of being a partner: participation.
God’s design of marriage includes intimate companionship and mutual respect. He molded us uniquely to fit together with complementary strengths, perspectives, roles, and how we process and achieve things. He created our marriage to mirror our relationship with Jesus. As we love our spouses as if they were Christ himself, our partnership flows with freedom, respect, honor, accountability, healthy boundaries, grace, and amazing love.
God did not design marriage to be perfect, trouble-free, challenge-free, or happy all the time. Just as Jesus endured trials on this earth with imperfect people, we will also endure the same, including our spouse. When both spouses follow God with all their heart, mind, soul, and strength, their marriage can be a beautiful waltz that endures easy and hard times. They have one another to rely on and help them be the best person they can be with Jesus.
A Healthier Marriage Begins with a Healthier You
No matter how much you love your spouse, the only person you have the power to change is yourself with Jesus. Because we are one-half of our marriage, we’re responsible for being the healthiest disciple of Christ we can be. If we have not been shown how to love like Jesus, we must learn his love characteristics and standards and follow them.
Our salvation doesn’t instantly heal us from unhealthy thoughts, habits, or behaviors. We are responsible for learning how to grow our faith and become more like Christ. If you have grown up in an unhealthy home, it’s easy to be deceived into believing that some unhealthy behaviors are okay as long as the perpetrator apologizes.
It’s also easy for believers who have been raised in a healthy Christian home to be deceived by abusers because they don’t understand the signs or realities of abuse. The only way to know if you are operating in healthy, unhealthy, or abusive traits in your marriage is to know the signs. For information, go to my resource tab at www.GodsTransformingGrace.com.
If you discover you have unhealthy or abusive traits in your marriage, don’t hesitate to get in touch with a counselor experienced with abuse immediately. Do not confront your spouse but seek help first. All hotline and counseling services are confidential, so use these to evaluate your marriage.
Truth is Opportunity
No matter what truth you have learned today about your marriage, it is an opportunity for personal growth in Christ. Our first and foremost responsibility is always to God and Jesus Christ. When we stand before them one day, we will answer for our life, not our spouses. When you choose to work with Jesus and learn what his love is and how to live in it, you are also working on your marriage.
A marriage will begin to fall apart when one or more spouses walk away from keeping God first. Take the first step and make sure you are walking hand-in-hand with Jesus every day. If you want to learn about Christ’s love and how you have been deceived in the past, read the book Quest for Exceptional Love, transform your love and relationships through Christ’s love design.
Learn your identity in Christ and let Him heal your heart and mind. Surrender your fears, desires, and hopes for your marriage to him. Your surrender takes you out of God’s way. He will lead and guide you no matter what your spouse chooses or what decisions you may have to make. Let him saturate you with his love, knowledge, wisdom, and understanding!
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will make your paths straight. (Prov. 3:5-6, NLT)
Find support and grow in your relationship with Jesus. Join my private Facebook group Growing Through God’s Transforming Grace, https://www.facebook.com/groups/growingthroughgod.
