Growing up in the 1940s on a Native American Indian reservation in complete poverty, disrespect, and devaluing brought my mother many challenges. The decades of public shame and humiliation by white people for being tanned skin and Native American carved deep wounds in her heart and soul. Unfortunately, my mother also faced the pain and realities of growing up with alcoholism and abuse in her family.
She fell in love with my dad, a white man. But that didn’t change how the world saw her and treated her for decades. My mom’s greatest desire was to have family and give them the love, safety, and future she never received. As I write this blog, I realize that my greatest desire was also hers.
Being a Mom, is Uncertain
Because of the damage done to my mom’s body from abuse growing up, she miscarried twice before she had me. She struggled with excitement and the fear of having me and raising me. Would she follow the abusive patterns of her parents? How could she love me and raise me when she had such unhealthy role models? Would I be disrespected, degraded, and humiliated like she was if I looked like her?
I can’t imagine the fear and uncertainty going through her intermingled with excitement and hope. Because of her physical condition, my mom required a complete hysterectomy and had a mental breakdown when I was born. She tried so hard to get everything right, but sometimes no matter how hard we want things to work out the way we dreamed, our health or circumstances alter our dream.
Walking in Her Shoes Brings Understanding
Whenever you take the time to talk to others about the past chapters in their life, you get a bigger perspective of their challenges, truths, and realities. Seeing life through their eyes gives you a new understanding of them and sometimes your life. As you talk about their pain and joy, you can see how the healthy, unhealthy, toxic, or abusive relationships have affected their heart, mind, and life. You also see the differences in your personalities and how that affects what you would choose versus what they chose.
It breaks my heart when I hear women degrading or judging other women for their choices without knowing the previous chapters of their lives. It’s heart-wrenching when I hear a daughter doing the same thing to their mom without taking the time to understand and find out what her life was like. What was it like for women during those years in history? What were her mom’s parents like and the circumstances she grew up in?
Because of the brokenness in my mom, she wasn’t there for me, which left me with deep wounds. I know my mom tried her best with the understanding and strength she had. I’ve forgiven her and found healing, which I thank God for every day. We had five great years, and that helped me see that no mom, to any extent, even to furry four-legged creatures, will get everything right because we are all imperfect.
If you grew up in an abusive home, there is no excuse, and this pain is difficult but not impossible to overcome with Christ’s love, teaching, counseling, and healing. As you work with a counselor and trace your mom’s life, you will see what influenced and molded her beliefs about herself and others. We are all imperfect and we must work harder with some people to give them Christ’s grace.
This Mother’s Day, take some time to ask or learn about your mom’s past. Look at her life in her shoes and take the time to see the truth and circumstances she faced in compassion. The whole gift of life and nurturing another person is all about Christ’s love and grace, and now it’s your turn.
No One Gets Everything Right
If you are a mom or even a surrogate mom, you understand the heart connection that surpasses all explanations. You also understand your concern for your child and the desire to want the best for them. You also struggle with the balance of letting them make their own mistakes, endure their consequences, and to keep encouraging them to do better.
Being a mom is one of the greatest honors and privileges I have ever experienced. It has also carried some of the most joyful and painful experiences because of our circumstances. Even in the hardest times, I can’t imagine the despair Jesus’ mother, Mary, experienced as she watched her son being whipped to shreds, crucified on the cross, and waiting hours for him to die.
Being a mother in any capacity is challenging, rewarding, and sometimes painful because you can never totally separate your child’s pain from your heart. Not all mothers have learned healthy ways to deal with life, let alone raise children. Not all mothers received the healthy, loving care they needed to be confident, healthy, loving moms. However, when you truly listen and talk with them in love, you may be surprised by how many of the same concerns, questions, or challenges you have in common.
Keeping the Good and Forgiving any Pain
Whether healthy, unhealthy, toxic, or abusive, whatever you have learned from your mother, you can always trace it back to a chapter in her life and in yours. Again, there is no excuse for unhealthiness, toxicity, or abuse. But as you understand the source, you will also realize that you have the power to make different choices. You are not your mom. You are a different person, so you don’t have to follow in her footsteps.
If there has been hurt and pain between you and your mom in the past, or you are still in a difficult relationship, you can still find freedom with Jesus and work with him to forgive past pain. I also recommend that you find a Christian counselor and work with them to break free from any forgiveness. Working through past pain is a process that comes in layers and takes time.
As you find healing through Christ, make it a point to remember your mom’s good qualities and good memories and let go of the bad. She did what she knew how to do, and she could only give you what she had. Don’t let the devil have any ground in your heart through anger, resentment, regret, or any other negative emotion for what could have or should have been.
The past is over. Now, you have the opportunity to learn more and to do better. I hope you also have the opportunity to give her love and grace through Christ, even if she didn’t give it to you. You may be the love she always needed from her mom. No one comes into this world without a mother. If it is possible and safe as Christ’s disciples, we must follow God’s word to honor our mother.
Mom, I know you did your best, and I forgive you for any mistakes, pain, or scars. I choose to remember the good and let go of the bad. I love you, mom, with all my heart, no matter what, forever and always. I can’t wait to run into your arms when I get to heaven. I love you mom!
