“How did I end up here at the hospital? My husband and I are both Christians, so how could he beat me?” As we enter into October, Domestic Abuse Awareness month, Christians need to realize that just because you or your spouse receive salvation doesn’t mean abuse could never happen. So, what is really going on?
Abuse Statistics Are the Same for Believers and Non-believers
First, we need to understand the definition of domestic abuse according to The Center for Family Justice:
“Domestic abuse is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior that is pervasive, and it can be a life-threatening crime affecting people in all our communities regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, religion, social standing, and immigration status.”
Statistics
- 20 people per minute are victims of physical violence by an intimate partner in the United States, equating to more than 10 million women and men.
- 33% of women and 14% of men are victims of abuse in their lifetime.
- Women are six times more likely to be killed when there is a gun in the house in domestic violence homicides.
Unfortunately, the statistics are the same for believers and non-believers. If we are Christ’s disciples, we must start asking ourselves and church leaders why the statistics are not different. We must be willing to do whatever it takes to teach other believers what it means to love like Jesus in loving kindness, respect, healthy boundaries, and without unhealthiness, violence, or abuse.
How Believers are Unaware
God knit us together in our mother’s womb with the core needs to feel loved, valued, and like we belong to Him. However, we are not born knowing God or Christ’s love. Many believers try to fill our core needs with the imperfect definition of love created from our messages, experiences, beliefs, and role models.
Our imperfect definition and understanding of love can set us up to accept unhealthy or abusive words and behaviors without realizing it because this is what we have known as love. We do what we know by default until we learn something new and put it into practice in our life. We can only love others and let them love us according to our imperfect definition of love until we learn Christ’s.
No matter what background you grew up in, you choose your thoughts, beliefs, and actions as an adult. When you choose to be a disciple of Christ, you must take responsibility for your choices. It is also vital for you to study Christ’s life in God’s word to see how his love standards differ from yours.
Unfortunately, many Christians are never taught how to study the Bible or Christ’s love standards. They are unaware that they are operating from their imperfect definition of love. Jesus tells us, “You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God.” (Matt. 22:29, NIV) If believers do not take the time to learn how to love and live like Jesus, they will continue to use unhealthy or abusive behaviors by default.
Salvation Doesn’t Instantly Perfect Our Love
When we accept Jesus into our hearts, he gives us a new spirit that is righteous. “He (God) made Him (Jesus) who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.” (2 Cor. 5:21, NIV) However, our salvation doesn’t immediately make our mind, attitudes, words, actions, habits, and imperfect definition and understanding of love like Christ’s.
Living by faith requires our belief and participation with Jesus every day. Believers must be taught how to nurture a relationship with Jesus every day by studying Scripture and praising and praying to Him. Once Christians learn who they are in Christ and their responsibilities as his disciple, they must choose to follow Christ’s ways instead of their imperfect ways.
Not all believers will choose to completely surrender and follow Jesus. Being Christ’s disciple requires complete surrender of all desires and habits to control and have power over someone. It also requires trust and obedience.
If believers have experienced abuse in their past or absolute powerlessness, it may be difficult for them to truly trust and follow Christ’s ways. In the choice to hold control and power over others, many believers choose to become abusers. Jesus tells us. “No one can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one and love the other; or he will hold to the one and despise the other.” (Matt. 6:24, NIV)
Learning and Living in Christ’s Pure Love And Truth Can Eliminate All Abuse
At the last supper, Jesus told his disciples. “So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” (John 13:34-35, NLT)
How can true believers and disciples of Christ choose not to learn how to be healthy and follow his example? How can church leaders and teachers not provide classes to teach new believers how to develop a close relationship with Christ every day? Until all Christians are taught what it truly means to love and live like Christ according to his ways and standards, believers will continue to operate from their old habits even though they try their hardest to follow Jesus.
To make sure your relationship is healthy and you aren’t accepting unhealthy or abusive treatment, please go to my resource page at www.GodsTransformingGrace.com. Even if you discover that your relationship is unhealthy or abusive, it’s not the end of everything. It’s always good to evaluate the fruits of our life just as Jesus instructs us to do.
If your relationship is unhealthy or abusive, find a counselor for yourself experienced with abuse. I don’t advise couples counseling as abuse is an individual sin and choice. Do not confront your spouse. Seek help first to make sure you stay safe.
It is NEVER God’s will for you to be abused, even if your husband professes to be a “Christian.” The victim never causes abuse, and it is NEVER deserved. God tells us to be wise and seek wise counsel, so obey His instructions. You are the beloved, hand-crafted child of God. Jesus is living in you, so make sure he is being respected and honored!Stay encouraged and keep growing by joining a support group for abused Christian women. Email me at darlacolinet@gmail.com if you would be interested in joining a private Facebook group coming in January 2022.
