“If you knew the terrible childhood my husband had, you would understand how hard it is for him to control his temper. If I give him enough love, like Jesus, he will heal and be the loving guy I fell in love with.” These rationales are often shared by Christian women being abused in their marriage. They’re dealing with their nightmare reality by living in a Messiah fantasy.
What is a Messiah Fantasy?
People and victims that live in a Messiah fantasy believe they can heal, fix, or save their spouse. They also believe it is their responsibility to love and sacrifice themselves, if necessary, like Jesus, to prove they’re living in faith or being a “good” Christian.
Living in this fantasy using excuses and rationales keeps the victim from seeing the truth about their spouse’s unhealthy and abusive behavior. A Messiah fantasy is hard to stop if you have been deceived by misused scriptures. You may believe the lies that you must be understanding, submit, forgive, and forget anything your husband says or does. Living in a Messiah fantasy keeps you focused on trying to please your unhealthy and abusive spouse instead of learning about the elements of Christ’s pure love.
How We Operate From a Messiah Fantasy
No one is born knowing how to love others as Jesus loves us. We all form our imperfect love design from our experiences, beliefs, messages, fantasies, and role models. We operate from our broken love design because this is the only one we know.
Although Christ’s love enters us at Salvation, most of us are not taught that we’re responsible for learning to work with Jesus to love like him. Many of us read some scriptures or go to church. However, unless we study God’s word to learn his truth and Christ’s love design, we can be deceived.
We are deceived because we are unaware of what healthy relationships look like, the types and signs of domestic abuse, and the fact that we are operating from a broken love design. Not knowing all of these truths combined with our need to feel loved and please God can deceive us into believing it’s our responsibility to save other people.
We may also fall into operating from a Messiah fantasy because of the wounds we have endured. If you fear being alone or abandoned, you will often rationalize abuse to avoid feeling this pain. You may also live in a Messiah fantasy if you have learned that love is something you must earn by helping, serving, sacrificing, and gaining people’s approval.
Difference Between Helping and Enabling
Jesus asked us to help one another, but not to enable one another. If you haven’t grown up in a healthy environment with healthy boundaries, respect, and honor, you may not know what a boundary is, what they are for, or how to draw them. Without boundaries, you may not believe it’s okay for you to say no.
After living in three abusive marriages, I have learned some basic rules to keep me from falling into this trap by the enemy. I follow the guides in God’s word about helping others. The apostle Paul tells us to carry each other’s burdens, but each person must carry their own load. (Gal. 6:2, 5), In other words, we can help someone, but we can’t fix them or take their load away from them.
During relationship training, I heard two great rules that have helped me stop enabling others.
- Rule 1: Do not do for others what they must and should do for themselves to take care of themselves, to learn, and to face the consequences from their choices.
- Rule 2: The person with the direct consequence is the person responsible.
When you’re a disciple of Christ and realize that you are in an unhealthy or abusive marriage, it’s difficult to wrap your head around this reality. In our human condition, we strive to find a reason why the abuse is happening or how we can fix it without losing the relationship. We can’t see that each person must choose to learn something better and implement it in their life or to keep doing unhealthy things. We lose sight that we can’t fix, heal, or save anyone, including ourselves.
There is Only One Savior, Jesus Christ
“Jesus said, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’” (John 14:6)
“Nor is there salvation in any other, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.” (Acts 4:12)
I believe God knitted our desire to love and serve into our spiritual DNA. These qualities are of Christ, and they bring him glory when we use them in healthy ways. The challenge comes from our unawareness of how to live in Christ’s love without trying to fix, heal, or save people from our own strength. We must remember that Jesus is our only Messiah. We must let people have the freedom in his love to make their choices. Let’s serve Jesus and let him be our only Savior!
Click this link to learn more about healthy, unhealthy, and abusive or toxic relationships. https://godstransforminggrace.com/signs-of-healthy-unhealthy-and-toxic-or-abusive-relationships/
To learn a clear success path to walk with Jesus in his love, order the book and workbook, Quest for Exceptional Love, Transform your love and relationships through Christ’s love design.
Find encouragement and support for the challenges you face every day. Join my private Facebook group Growing Through God’s Transforming Grace.
